tag cloud…
Journal Entries: December 08-10, 2025
Another entry in my journal pages series, ft. me messing around with layouts and such.
I also got a new journal:
I don't know what I'm going to use it for yet tbh.
Journal Entries: December 05-07
I love to journal, and have recently started incorporating journalling into my morning routine (or, rather, using it to /develop/ a morning routine…)
I can't share every page, because most of it is personal, but I'm going to start posting the spreads with no or minimal Super Personal Information, to this blog. For funsies.
Here's December 5 to December 7, 2025
i forgor
I've been doing a lot of techy stuff lately!
I forked the code behind status cafe and made it into a word count updater widget (which was SO HARD!!! I HATE GO!!). I self-hosted a food microblogging site using mokublog, which is software I've absolutely fallen in love with. I started fucking around in Godot and am trying to make some writing software with it.
Ironically, many of these things I just mentioned involve writing, which is funny because I haven't been able to write anything in ages. I Forgor How To Write. Because of this fixation on web development and self-hosting, I FORGOR how to be creative in the literary and digital art ways. I don't know–is that an over-exaggeration? All of my tech stuff revolves around writing too. I mean, I got into this hobby in the first place hosting the code for a fanfiction site!! But this hyperfixation I have on self-hosting means ALL of my mental energy goes to either a) doing the hobby or b) thinking about the hobby.
I did write one thing for a fandom exchange, but I'm not super proud of it. Oh well. I will try to edit it later if I can. I hope the recipient likes it. And even that felt like pulling teeth (and not in the sexy way).
I know this is just temporary. I've felt like this a lot before and I always get my vibe back eventually. But man, if I don't find a way to diversify my focus soon, I'm gonna be in trouble. I miss writing. It's my main hobby. It's my everything. I am nothing if I cannot write.
But I'm GOOD at web stuff, turns out. And when I find a hobby I'm good at, especially one that allows me to create and develop communities (like Sunset) or cool accomplishments (like Sillywordz and the OTWArchive status updates feature), I go all in. I go insane. I feel insane.
It's taking up all of my time. I've been more productive in the past 2 months than I have been in the past 2 years. I wish I could be productive on more things than just this.
At the same time, I finally feel like I have accomplishments. People I was friends with as a kid over the internet? Now famous actors. Went to Brown. Are teaching poetry and have a PHD in english. Getting robotics grants. Me? I have… self-hosted ao3 twice and added status updates to it! And that's notable because this software is notoriously hard to wrangle, and I learned RoR in a day! No, still not the same, actually. But it makes me feel like I'm getting there. Like I'm on the road to being a person. It's stupid, I know.
I want so desperately to go to college in January. I'm signed up! But man. I just. I don't think I'll be able to. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go to college. That's another reason I've been so focused on web stuff - I have way, way too much time on my hands being housebound + no school + no work, and web stuff is both rewarding and it fills my day up with Stuff to Do so I Don't Get Bored And Go Insane. I don't always have the inspiration to write, but tech engages a different, more accessible part of my brain. So I end up here.
Anyway… one of the reasons I need to figure out how to write again is that I'm signed up for several exchanges at the moment, including Five Figure Fanworks, which has a minimum of 10k. And see, my assignment for FFFEX, I am SO excited for! It's perfect for me, it's every fiber of wood in my wheelhouse! I have so many ideas! And yet I can't make the words come out.
Things have been weird lately. I have to drop my trauma therapist because I realized she isn't helping me, doesn't care, and doesn't even really like me. I really don't like the fact that I have to do that. I keep dissociating SO badly, every damn day!! I'm never just me. I can never just be Agnes.
I sound more depressed than I actually am tbh. I'm really happy these days despite all of this. My loved ones make me so happy and I'm so grateful for them. I just wish I could be more functional.
head tattoos n stuff
(if you're reading this on rss, sorry for the feed spam; i was having difficulty configuring it for a few)
I got my head tattooed today!
It's the first of three sessions so far. The other side of my head will have this image mirrored, the rest of my head will have bugs and beetles, and the colors will be rainbow across the head. (I already had the leopard print on the side of the face.)
I'm really surprised at how much it DIDN'T hurt, tbh. I watched an episode of Charmed (2018) during it lmao. It was my least painful tattoo, I'd say it was about… 4.5 out of 10? My chest and wrist hurt WAYYY more, the most painful part of it was lying down on a tiny tattoo table for like 5 hours, lmao. My artist was shocked and said he had never seen anyone take a head tattoo that well. It also isn't sore at all; I fell asleep on that side when I got home and it feels fine. I touch it and it feels fine. I'm starting to think I have no nerves on my head :p
Anyway… what else? Hm. I bought wigs from Arda Wings — pink and green (my favorite color scheme if you couldn't tell). I've always wanted hair long enough to braid so this will be fun, plus I can just detach it whenever I want to like a fashion doll or something.
I'm getting pretty tired of being tired, tbh. I keep having SUCH a fucked up sleep schedule and it's making me go a little insanecrazy. It's just that being awake at night is the only time I ever feel truly “safe”, because growing up it was only safe when certain people were asleep and now I cannot stop subconsciously associating late late nights with safety, and that person has been dead for… 8 years on the eighteenth, actually. Thank God.
But it makes me feel so isolated from everyone else, when I can't spend time with my loved ones, because I'm asleep all the time..
Oooh!! I developed a new feature for otwarchive; status updates! Someone else can probably code it way better than me (e.g. the css sucks, it doesn't use partials, etc.), but I'm so so genuinely PROUD of myself. I did it like 2 days after making my Ruby on Rails blog. (If you want a live example, you can check it out at Symphony). There's also a basic timeline view. I'm putting it on Sunset around the 14th or so. I really hope it doesn't cause controversy….
Recent Stuff Early November 2025
I've been focused on self-hosting quite a bit; I got another instance of otwarchive up, at Symphony, which is multifandom and for my friends/friends of friends. It's got a music-themed shtick, so hits are now plays, kudos is now applause, etc. I am planning to put all the fic I've ever written on there, which will take a While. and I'm hoping to self-host the DW code eventually. I run a Haven instance right now for pro-fiction stuff, but it's pretty dead, so I want to upgrade it. I am maybe a little bit too into computers, the hyperfixation is never-ending, lmao. I also want to learn Ruby, yes I know about the horrors but I want to do some new features that AO3 doesn't have and in order to do that I gotta learn shit. I love self-hosting, it's fun to work on and SO rewarding when you finally fix the errors and Make The Thing Run.
I'm a little scared right now because on a recent routine eye doctor visit, my pressures were rather high, and there were signs of some optic nerve damage. That combined with a big family history of glaucoma concerned my doctor and I'm trying to get into a specialist now to determine what's wrong. AND. I have a bad feeling about this. Like, yeah it's treatable when detected early, but I'm 24. Does it being early onset mean any difference for the course of the disease than it does for people who develop it with age? Do I even have it? I don't want to lose my sight, but it seems to be getting worse. I'm already antimetropic, I don't need any more weird eye conditions, thank you! I can't get into the ophthalmologist until March, and man, the anxiety is neverending. Every day my eye hurts. Help.
I've been playing LOTS of Palia recently and I fell in love with Elouisa all over again so I added her to my f/o list on here. It's getting pretty long and I'm thinking of making an extended version… I just love her, she reminds me so much of myself, AND her relationship with Caleri is literally gut-wrenching. Palia is so fun. I'm currently trying to get through Elouisa's second(???) third??? I can't remember, one of the friendship quests. It's hard because it's the one where you have to catch 5 rare fish and well… catching fish is the most difficult thing for me in this game. I just do not have the motor skills needed!!! Help!!! But it's so fun and addictive. I also love that they just added an animal husbandry skill. I've been naming my pekis (chickens) after Orville characters…
I've been having lots of nightmares lately because of my new blood pressure med. It seems like every night I go to sleep and after that I'm being hunted down. Sleep is one of my worst triggers, if not my worst :/ even WITHOUT nightmares, so it's been extra hard. But the med really helps, so…
I signed up for courses at my local community college for next Spring. I don't know if I'm actually going to do it but I wanted to be registered in case. I mean, it's… the goal. I'm working as hard as I possibly can to get to a point where I can handle school. And I hope that “a point where I can handle school” is a point I'm actually capable of reaching! I am so so so bored every single day of my life. I have nothing to do besides fandom exchanges and I watch everyone I grew up with move on to jobs and degrees and I just have… nothing to do that feels really meaningful. I love running Sunset I love self-hosting and trying to be a part of fandom and make it a better place,, but it's still just fandom lol.
Also I shaved my head and I'm getting it tattooed on the 12th. I'm so deeply glad I shaved my head, I'm never going back to having hair <3
CupcakKe released a new album, the BakKery, and that's been on constant repeat, especially Ballerina Coupe, Alcoholic, and UFO.
Recent updates to the site:
- I added more to my digital garden under recipes and tech
- I added a link to my AO3 html templates on Github in the for you section
- More fandom badges!!
Things to do
- Make OC pages
- Add More Sections to Digital Garden