I've been doing a lot of techy stuff lately!
I forked the code behind status cafe and made it into a word count updater widget (which was SO HARD!!! I HATE GO!!). I self-hosted a food microblogging site using mokublog, which is software I've absolutely fallen in love with. I started fucking around in Godot and am trying to make some writing software with it.
Ironically, many of these things I just mentioned involve writing, which is funny because I haven't been able to write anything in ages. I Forgor How To Write. Because of this fixation on web development and self-hosting, I FORGOR how to be creative in the literary and digital art ways. I don't know–is that an over-exaggeration? All of my tech stuff revolves around writing too. I mean, I got into this hobby in the first place hosting the code for a fanfiction site!! But this hyperfixation I have on self-hosting means ALL of my mental energy goes to either a) doing the hobby or b) thinking about the hobby.
I did write one thing for a fandom exchange, but I'm not super proud of it. Oh well. I will try to edit it later if I can. I hope the recipient likes it. And even that felt like pulling teeth (and not in the sexy way).
I know this is just temporary. I've felt like this a lot before and I always get my vibe back eventually. But man, if I don't find a way to diversify my focus soon, I'm gonna be in trouble. I miss writing. It's my main hobby. It's my everything. I am nothing if I cannot write.
But I'm GOOD at web stuff, turns out. And when I find a hobby I'm good at, especially one that allows me to create and develop communities (like Sunset) or cool accomplishments (like Sillywordz and the OTWArchive status updates feature), I go all in. I go insane. I feel insane.
It's taking up all of my time. I've been more productive in the past 2 months than I have been in the past 2 years. I wish I could be productive on more things than just this.
At the same time, I finally feel like I have accomplishments. People I was friends with as a kid over the internet? Now famous actors. Went to Brown. Are teaching poetry and have a PHD in english. Getting robotics grants. Me? I have… self-hosted ao3 twice and added status updates to it! And that's notable because this software is notoriously hard to wrangle, and I learned RoR in a day! No, still not the same, actually. But it makes me feel like I'm getting there. Like I'm on the road to being a person. It's stupid, I know.
I want so desperately to go to college in January. I'm signed up! But man. I just. I don't think I'll be able to. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go to college. That's another reason I've been so focused on web stuff - I have way, way too much time on my hands being housebound + no school + no work, and web stuff is both rewarding and it fills my day up with Stuff to Do so I Don't Get Bored And Go Insane. I don't always have the inspiration to write, but tech engages a different, more accessible part of my brain. So I end up here.
Anyway… one of the reasons I need to figure out how to write again is that I'm signed up for several exchanges at the moment, including Five Figure Fanworks, which has a minimum of 10k. And see, my assignment for FFFEX, I am SO excited for! It's perfect for me, it's every fiber of wood in my wheelhouse! I have so many ideas! And yet I can't make the words come out.
Things have been weird lately. I have to drop my trauma therapist because I realized she isn't helping me, doesn't care, and doesn't even really like me. I really don't like the fact that I have to do that. I keep dissociating SO badly, every damn day!! I'm never just me. I can never just be Agnes.
I sound more depressed than I actually am tbh. I'm really happy these days despite all of this. My loved ones make me so happy and I'm so grateful for them. I just wish I could be more functional.